I have been TTC for years. As in many many, long tear filled years. I have watched friends, family, non-friends, random people, people from message boards have babies of their own. I have even watched many of these same people have their second and third child. All the while, I still have not been able to have a baby. When I did finally get that blessed BFP, I was over the moon. I was in love with my baby from the very second I knew she/he was inside me. But less then 2 weeks later, I was bleeding, and I lost my baby. I lost the very thing I had hoped,prayed dreamed for. I was broken. I'm still broken.
I got a call today from my mom. And at the end of the call she told me that one of my cousins was having another baby. I felt like I had been hit over the head. By something really hard and heavy. I want to be happy that my family is going to have a new little member. I really do. I just don't understand why it can not be me! So I need to rant, and be mad. Because the only other option is to be sad, and hate myself because I'm broken.
One day, God willing I'll have a baby, or I'll be okay with not having a baby. But today. is not that day.
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